


Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark

by Cirkne



Series: heart as loud as lions [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: And all that jazz, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Injuries, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Mostly Fluff, Multi, mentiosn of self harm by burning, mute Alexander, some minor angst, they're all dating as always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 19:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7770019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hercules has panic in his genes and yet they make him calm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark

John breaks his finger against the back of a chair and Hercules watches him blink down at it and frown, move it back in place, continue drunkenly telling him about the difference between mandarins and tangerines.

*

Alexander's sitting on the kitchen counter, right foot under his left thigh, hair loose, his wrists scratched down to blood. Hercules moves closer to him and Alexander rests his forehead against Hercules' shoulder, breathes out. He smells like mint leaves, hums against Hercules' skin.

*

Lafayette half naked and on top of Hercules in their bed, says:

"Call me a girl," easy, simple. Like it doesn't matter. It does, it's always mattered. Hercules rests his hand on their hipbone, looks at them, waits. "It's not a punishment," they tell him. Hercules licks his lips.

"You're a girl," he says and Lafayette stiffens, frowns, turns to look at the empty pillows John and Alexander left. Hercules digs his fingers into their skin.

"You're not," he says, soft. "You don't have to be, Lafayette, we're not asking you to be something you're not." 

Lafayette nods, doesn't look at him, but their body relaxes, slowly.

*

Alexander in his office, no lights but his laptop screen and even that, dimmed to as dark as possible, his glasses on the table, his eyes closed.

"Take a break," Hercules says, gathers the dirty plates off of the desk. Alexander hums. Hercules doesn't know if he's agreeing or saying no, leaves him alone.

*

"Stop," Lafayette says, voice too loud, hands where they were clinging to Hercules' shoulders moments ago, now pushing him away. "Stop, stop, stop."

Hercules steps back, watches them fall back against the couch. He doesn't know what he did but he's hurt them somehow and he feels like he's going to throw up and no one is home besides them and he should probably leave but he can't move now and he watches Lafayette, their eyes wide and afraid and he wants to die for doing this to them.

*

John in Hercules' lap, Hercules' cheek against his chest and they're both laughing and they're both drunk and John's skin is warm against Hercules' hand and when they stop giggling, Hercules is going to kiss him.

*

His younger brother is allergic to bees and so Hercules convinces himself he is too and the first time he has a panic attack he's eight years old. Hercules gets stung and he's so afraid he'll die he panics. What a poetic way to die that would have been: in their garden consumed by his own fear. His mother finds him, of course. Takes him inside, makes him tea and tucks him in that night even though she hasn't done that since Hugh was born.

He learns, later, that anxiety disorders run in his family. His mother stacks their shelves with lavender tea and Hercules grows tired of lavender eventually. He learns that repeating patterns help him calm down and repeats, repeats, repeats.

He turns the lights off at night and then he turns them on again and he does it three times before Hugh asks him what he's doing and he hasn't gotten to six yet so he has to restart. He says sugar and repeats it five more times before his father asks what's wrong.

His mother sits with him in the waiting room of a psychiatrist and then of another one and instead of lavender tea they start stacking anxiety medication and he talks about the way his chest feels like a cage and is that why it's called a rib cage and how does he get his insides out and about the bruises that hitting against bars would leave his heart with.

He takes up sewing and repeats, repeats, finishes. He says he can't step on the cracks on the sidewalk and Hugh suggests he try walking on the side of the road. Sometimes it feels like there's something under his skin and he drinks his medication and finds what to do with his hands.

He gets better. He gets worse. Better. Worse. Better. Worse. Better. He repeats. He sews. He moves out. He takes his prescription with him.

He meets Alexander first. Alexander cannot stay still, cannot stay quiet even though he cannot speak, Alexander's never predictable, never easy, never makes sense and he gets in Hercules' veins, gets under his skin, makes home in the inside of his skull. Hercules falls and doesn't allow himself to do anything about it.

He meets Lafayette in Alexander's apartment and panics about being replaced and Alexander puts his hand on his back and rests his head on his shoulder and waits for him to calm down. 

Hercules listens to Lafayette talk, listens to them sing, listens to them cry. Everything Lafayette does makes him feel calm, makes the aching in his insides settle, he's never loved like this before and it doesn't make sense to him for a long time.

He sees John at two am outside of a bar and the way the lights fall on his face, make Hercules' breath catch. John with curls and freckles and bruises, John with big eyes and perfect lips, John made out of patterns. John, John, John.

He sits on the bed in Lafayette's dorm room and watches all three of them and feels his mind go quiet and his skin feels like it's fully his for a moment.

*

John's out of it. John's out of it a lot. His eyes on Alexander's empty coffee mug, coffee grounds stuck to the side of it. Hercules watches him blink, eyes unfocused, empty, hands in his lap.

"It's strange," he says. Slow, absent. "Time doesn't exist."

Hercules doesn't know what he means, exactly, but he's not going to argue.

"Yes," he says, fights the urge to move closer to him.

"I'm sleeping on the couch tonight," John says. Hercules watches him, watches him, watches him. The clock in their kitchen is too loud, he thinks. John doesn't say anything else.

*

The window in their kitchen is open and when Hercules walks in, Lafayette's sitting on the counter, naked legs dangling against it, hair already in a tight bun. There's something about them like this, something open, something only they share and-

Oh. The lighter in their hand, their eyes on their thighs. Oh.

"I'll get the bandages," he says. Lafayette nods, keeps looking at their thighs. Sometimes Hercules imagines smoke coming off of them. They smell the same way a camp fire does. Hercules thinks his mind is playing tricks on him and he's too afraid to ask the others. It's a cruel joke.

*

Alexander's beautiful the way poetry is, the way there's so much more to him than you see, the way he makes your heart ache. Hercules knows this, feels this and he's watching him and he wants to run a hand through his hair but when he reaches out, Alexander flinches away.

Hercules moves away, keeps his eyes on Alexander. Something tight in his throat, something tight in his chest, something under his skin, something in his head, something in his blood, something in his entire body. He swallows, says:

"Sorry."

Alexander doesn't react.

*

John on their couch, feet against Hercules' thigh, a smile on his face. The bruises on his left eyelid look like makeup. Beauty in pain, Hercules assumes. Maybe. John's smiling. Denial.

The alarm clock on John's phone goes off. It's time to check on Alexander. For a moment, neither of them move to turn it off. John sighs, gets off of the couch, rubs at his eye. Winces. Hercules stays on the couch. 

*

Lafayette's knees on either side of Hercules, lips soft, tongue in Hercules' mouth, a smile on their face. Hercules moves his hand to their thigh and Lafayette draws in a breath, sharp. Hercules pulls his hands away, Lafayette leans away from him.

"Sorry," he says. Lafayette frowns down at their thighs.

"You didn't tear off any skin so you're forgiven," Lafayette says, like a joke, moves to kiss Hercules again. Hercules doesn't touch their thighs.

*

Alexander against Hercules in their bed, the sheet up to his waist, his hair still in a ponytail. He talks in his sleep sometimes, words mumbled into his pillow, soft and slow. His skin is warm where Hercules touches him and his lips are hot against his neck and Hercules needs to get out of bed soon but Alexander fell asleep just minutes ago and he's afraid he'll wake him. His hands rest on Alexander's back and Alexander says something in Spanish and Hercules wishes he didn't have to work today.

*

Taking a wrong turn on his way home from work leads to someone running their car into the side of his. He hits his head against the glass and wonders who will pick John up from work and how much repairing the car will cost them.

The person that opens the car door and unbuckles his seat belt to get him out has dark skin and Hercules thinks: _I knew angels weren't white_ and then he doesn't think anything else until the ambulance gets there and he's being lifted inside and he wants to tell them he doesn't like needles and he thinks of Alexander getting his testosterone shot from Lafayette and then he thinks of how he works with needles and he laughs. He thinks he laughs. The inside of the car is too white.

There's a moment where he sobers up and realizes what happened and realizes they will have to call John because he's been Hercules' emergency contact for almost two years now and he gets to freak out for about a second before he passes out. 

They don't put him in a separate room and the only thing giving him any sort of privacy is an ugly greyish curtain. It's a good sign, he knows. It means they won't have to hold him for long but while he's there alone it makes him feel awfully like a lab rat and the voices he can hear don't make any sense to him.

The nurse brings Lafayette and Alexander to him and John shows up ten minutes later and touches the bruising on his chest and they shut the curtain to kiss him and Alexander doesn't let go of his hand the whole time. Hercules tells them they need to get the car repaired and Alexander starts crying and Lafayette keeps moving their hand up and down Hercules' bicep.

They keep him overnight and John leaves to take care of the car and the legal stuff of a car crash and Lafayette pesters his nurses about details on his injuries and brings him snacks from the vending machine. Alexander sits on the edge of the bed and writes him letters and Hercules watches him until he falls asleep and when he wakes up Alexander is still writing.

They take him home in Lafayette's car and John sits in the front toying with the radio and Alexander laces his and Hercules' fingers together and when Hercules asks Lafayette to take the road he takes from work Lafayette does even though that adds twenty minutes to their trip.

The trees, when he looks out the window, remind him of his childhood home and the garden he thought he'd die in. How wonderfully lucky he is for staying alive.

*

Hercules has his arm around Alexander's shoulders and Alexander keeps jabbing him lightly in the side because he hates being reminded how short he is and Hercules is pulling him closer and they are walking towards home and the street lights make everything look warmer than it is and the wind stopped bothering him long ago.

*

John's curled up on the floor of their bathroom, skin against the tiles and Hercules steps past him to get inside the shower and then turns on the water and brushes his teeth. When he's done, John is still there, eyes empty and fixated on the wall. Hercules steps past him to get out, turns off the light, leaves the door ajar. Breathes in, breathes out. Doesn't go back in to beg John to get up.

*

Lafayette's trying to start the fire, their shoes buried in left over ash and the flame's going out and they're cursing under their breath and Hercules wants to tell them to just leave it but Alexander's shivering even under a blanket and so Hercules takes Lafayette's hand and presses his lips to it and murmurs against their skin:

"Let me try," and Lafayette hands him the lighter and watches him do it.

*

Lafayette, their hair in two buns on their head and Hercules' shirt covering their bright green shorts, stands in front of a shelf with lighters by the register and frowns at the empty slot in the carton box.

"The transparent ones are gone," they complain and Hercules puts his hand on their hip from behind, kisses their shoulder and hums. The cans of sprite they picked up have left water marks on the conveyor belt.

"I like the red one," Hercules says. Pretends Lafayette is buying it to light candles.

*

Alexander leaning on the wall in their hallway, watching Hercules put on his jacket before he has to leave for work. His eyes are red with exhaustion and Hercules wants to ask him to go to bed but he knows Alexander wouldn't listen so he leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth instead.

*

John, snowflakes melting on his eyelashes, getting caught in his hair. His hands red from the cold and his gloves sticking out of his coat pockets.

"You should be wearing your gloves," Hercules says, takes John's hand in his.

"I should be doing a lot of stuff," John answers, looks up at the sky, sticks out his tongue to catch the snow. Hercules smiles, leads him home.

**Author's Note:**

> title from 505 by arctic monkeys 
> 
> reminder i run on kudos and comments
> 
> hmu @ tadaffodil on twitter or @ safebird on tumblr if u feel like yelling at me


End file.
